I wrote this just over a year ago. Now here I am in Mexico facing generational sin with the love of Jesus in order to finally breakdown the strongholds the enemy has attempted to pass. I no longer wish to build my relationships on sexual pleasure, I no longer allow people to disrespect me without using my God given voice, I no longer hide from confronting the truth in love in order to be viewed as 'nice'. Attempting to be 'nice' ultimately leads us death, people don't need nice they need a huge dose of truth. The unsaid and the 'forgotten' only duplicates lives absent of heartbeats, moving through the motions without connecting to a single aspect of the present. Today looks like yesterday and foreshadows the scene of tomorrow. Anyone that knows me could say I have a deep appreciation for routine and consistency when it comes to my lifestyle but routine in order to enhance our purpose is essential to keep us from being persuaded by those without one.
My maternal mother left this earth on halloween, interestingly enough she couldn't keep her mask on during the day designated to dressing up as someone else. I bring up this event often in my writing because it is a root, it is my destiny to plant joy over extending my families history of depression and I don't take this calling lightly.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. -Psalm 139:13
So here are my words from a year ago and reading them again I still stand behind them:
It's nearing towards the day you felt your presence was no longer needed here, that the tricks of the mind began burrowing holes like mice, you perceived this world to be unfair and absent of love... the more I live I do see where you would get lost in this bitter circumstance. I know you had a lot filling your broken heart, I visualize burning tar filling up the cracks pulling you farther down a constant reminder of the depths of darkness the sting of selfish pleasure over seeing the promise. The promise to love you through sickness and health, the promise to not hurt you but to always comfort you no matter the temporary cost. For love, real love is a healer not a thief. Amidst your suffering I know the darkness over took the light that once was but I want you to know I did and do need you. I've never written to you before for the poison of forgetting and neglecting to grieve was forced upon me by the hurt your decision left behind. I forgive your act, I know you didn't view it as being selfish but rather the only option to rid your being from the never ending battlefield of turmoil. I know you where never given the weapons to yield off the demons designed to tear us to the ground, the options provided was silence, smile and don't ruffle the waters. You were never told that your are water capable of flooding out the burning earth, a wave so strong it can end the war completely. I see these options so vividly now, I account that to the women you've sent to remind me of strength that can be harnessed. The ability to make walls to protect the heart given to me by God. It's the boundaries. The necessary boundaries of love. Reading your letters, your meal plans I see that the world blueprinted your consciousness to be small, small in feelings, polite and nice, petite in structure. Eat less, be less, you're duty is to be only a frame to man, a man who's eyes distract his soul, who's skin leads his path, who's suffering has never been confronted for fear of their reaction. I fear no man, I fear God. I fear not listening to the impulses placed distinctly in my gut to move, run, speak, be silent or to breathe.
Forever I numbed these senses, ignorance became my bliss. The gift of awareness was too much for me to bare when in reality the heaviness of ignoring myself was to ignore the Spirit living inside me. Leaving me lost amidst the jungle, turning off the provided light only to amplify the surrounding darkness, causing me to forget myself completely. I recall the days I morphed myself to fit small spaces, holding my breath to steady waters, vanishing completely to allow the enemy to dance without critic instead I enabled it by turning the music up taking requests on how to keep the 'party' going, insisting my heart to shut off and shut up. To feel and not act is the largest personal disrespect, filling our cups with blood and forcing ourselves to drown in it. I refuse to sink in the messages given, they are to teach me not to paralyze me. The capability of woman is unending, our strength inconceivable it is this which frightens us. Our minds so full, are hearts connected to a gesture unlimited information being downloaded into our veins this isn't a responsibility to be taken lightly. To live on our own is scary, that's why we aren't designed to. We are meant to call on the Creator, did you forget? Did your earthly father tarnish your faith in our heavenly one? I understand the harshness, the passed on expectations making it hard to believe that we are loved, endlessly and forever with no need to earn it. I get tripped up in believing the more I achieve equates to the love I rightfully deserve but this bartering system is wrong. We are loved! This lie specifically singled me out, constantly tormenting me to compromise my values to become anothers ideal. Attachment became my priority. Don't be alone, change to be of need. I changed, I changed the best parts of myself to be a slave to another. Stripping myself of dignity, self respect and allowing the living poison passed onto others to melt away my moral compass leaving me unrecognizable.
Did you see me? Did you see me live a shell of your life? Did you keep banging on the door of my mask to grab my attention? Did you pray endlessly to burn the remnants of your sin to set me free? Thank you. Thank you for dying again and again for a chance to have me live. I don't take it lightly, I see pain at the pit asking for power outside myself to enter in. This plague of sin hurts me to witness, I don't see right or wrong I see the action of pain slither from one vessel to another building momentum with each carcass it seeks to devour. This is why trauma visited me early; experiencing my childhood absent of your unconditional love and repetitiously experiencing the rabbit hole of personal desire left me dizzy from confusion leading me on a path that brought me to the end of my way of living; ALONE. Exactly what I wanted, manifesting the lie at the core of my being. 'No one cares,' so carelessly I hurt myself. I abused my body, filled my mind 'leave humanity behind' and trained my spirit to seek affirmation for my personal accomplishments. Alone surrounded by the darkness I ritually fed, guarded by the walls on walls I passionately built. Your prayers broke them down, sacrificing yourself again but this time in love. We both transformed. A metamorphosis designed to help us fly over drown.
Why did you clip your wings, when you were designed to fly?
Let us fly now!
I love you and miss you, thank you for constantly being present in my realm
Your Daughter Forever
Jill
