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  • Writer's pictureJill Louise Foley


Too Many Strings

I miss you

A feeling to feel

A praise to one

Not a subtraction from me


all part of the cycle of life


and together

Omission of truth

betrayal guarding the heart

Whose heart?

Relationship games

aren't relationships at all

Blind me from reality

stunt me of growth

True Love,

sometimes it hurts

breaking the illusion built around the word

Niceness hides

confronting moves walls


To unify

Detachment from the body brings self acceptance, in mind creates freedom and in spirit builds faith while allowing surrender. We grow to detach once we choose love as our highest intention; for ourselves and for others.

True love liberates us.

It frees us to be who we are without expectations,

it does not control,

it does not keep a record of wrongs,

it is not selfish or self seeking.

But most of us have never experienced a love like this.

We've become programmed to attach onto things to chase a feeling of love rather than inviting it in.

Attachment to an unhealthy relationship in hopes of changing another all while neglecting to love ourselves. The certainty of discomfort seems less terrifying then unknown freedom. My own story hold wisdom here, I knew deep down in my being that I wasn't going to marry my previous partner yet I stayed, attempting to change a beautiful person into a character that would better suit me. Not being fully accepted in love feels awful, there are expectations placed on you with not opportunity to win, furthering the disconnect to our true selves and to each other. Releasing myself from this attachment was a deeper act of love for I was taking up space that belonged to someone else.

Attachment to things. Consumerism is all an attempt to bring fulfillment into our empty lives,

as human beings we don't need a lot of stuff yet we fuss over minor details for years upon decades all while neglecting the hurting cries of our families, neighbours and friends. All earthly possessions are temporary. I have actively participated in this level of unnecessary suffering, played the game of house, throw pillows, volunteering as tribute as the house hold feeder, matching furniture, daily organizer, attempting to make my home perfect. All in a deeper attempt to disguise the shame I held deep inside. The shame of ignoring my inner calling on a daily bases.

If everything looked great outside myself maybe just maybe it would fix that deep rooted issues I was neglecting to investigate and heal on the inside. Now all my belongings fit inside 4 suitcases and a treasure chest, I still believe I own too much. Detaching from my belongs has been a liberating experience, it has brought me to feel more at home in my spirit wherever the wind decides to relocate me.

Attaching to the actions of others.

'They obviously don't care about me to do that.'

'They're so reckless with their life!'

'I would never do that.'

The list of judgemental thoughts carried on and on.

Judgement stems from a space of shame or feeling inferior, instead of praying for comfort or wellbeing for my peers seeking beautiful adventures I would cast ill thoughts making myself paralyzed. My envy of the successful journeys of others left me feeling insignificant, instead of being encouraged by their bravery. I would catch myself becoming irritated by their updates, blocking myself completely from the inspiration it could have brought. With active consciousness I changed my dialog to 'if they are capable of something extraordinary then I certainly am as well!'

Attachments had given me a false identity of being needed;

I'm in a relationship so therefore I am not alone.

I have all this stuff therefore I am fulfilled.

I have too many responsibilities in life that's why I can't be spontaneous and free.

All these strings didn't add to my value, they keep me captive playing a puppet that didn't even represent my character.

'Christ's way to self-fulfillment is not like any way we could ever have imagined. His way involves losing our life so that we might find it, dying so that we might live. His way is always the way of the cross. Death always precedes new life.' -David G. Benner (The Gift of Being Yourself )

As a personal trainer, friend and family member I have been exposed to a lot of unhealed trauma. I also have been gifted with a soft heart and open ears. I've been privileged to build in-depth connections with many. For the better part of my childhood and adulthood I felt responsible in holding all these troubling peoples secrets. My inner being began to look like a 100 year old filing cabinet with no organizer, only open drawers with surplus amounts of data just flying about. Internally I was battling dragons without grabbing my armour, shield or sword, just standing there with my fists clenched, fooling myself into believing I was of service to anyone. This is where the detachment and letting go came in for me, I was making myself unwell by staying in an abusive partnership because I felt I was the only thing keeping that person alive, I kept purchasing things to fill up my empty space aching to run away, I attached myself to the people around me to avoid healing the hurt parts of me, I would judge others for traveling yet never left my own country.

Essentially the root of my being became people pleaser, I wore that title with pride, I even distorted the truth and viewed myself as a victim when in reality I held a control problem. If I gave everyone around me what they needed then they don't hold a right to dislike me, truth be told I didn't like myself. I was playing a shell of the woman I was meant to be. It's fascinating that when we point a finger at another for our unhappiness there are significantly more fingers pointing back at us. I had to taking responsibility for the life I actively created. Enter into the never ending lesson of humility.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me you will find it. - Matthew 10:39

Step 1: Burn it all down!

Goodbye realtionship.

Goodbye belongings.

Goodbye stable income.

Goodbye familiar people.

Hello Mexico!


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