My Year to Clarity: Clear Addiction
Getting back from my epic trip to Nationals has been a journey on its own. I ate everything I had been depriving myself from, as well as realizing that competing and bodybuilding has made me obsessed with controlling my food. Addiction to food. Gluttony. Now that I can see outside of my bodybuilding box I am aware of a few repressed emotions I've held onto. Passing my emotions from addiction to addiction. Partying (lust and sloth), Codependency (lust), bodybuilding (gluttony, wrath, pride and envy), and social media (envy, sloth, pride, lust and greed).
I uncovered shame: I've felt shame over my birth mom not loving me enough to stay around. Instead she took her own life. Now I see how she most likely felt hurt and alone, thinking she had only one way out of pain. I finally began ignoring the voice in my head telling me I was unlovable. I released myself from this lie I held as fact from witnessing all the love I've received from being my genuine self.
I felt shame over being gifted at an early age. I could sing, paint, dance, play sports, commit myself to school anything I wanted to be good at I was. As a child I felt discouraged from being 'myself'. The authentic child in me felt denied so I tried to hide her more and more and more in order to make others feel comfortable. As I've grown to understand myself better I can see that I still poses all those gifts and that dimming my light in order to please others serves no one.
I became obsessed with boys. Why? Because they seemed to be the only people that wanted to talk to me, or gave interest and since I was obsessed with being wanted and I believed my only value was my body this lead to a lot of trouble and heart break. Addiction to codependency. Lust.
Step #1: Clear the mess
I took this step very literally. I scrubbed my house head to toe. Odd coincidence that my roommate happens to be gone all this week and I have about 6 clients away on vacation. Possibly a higher power wanting me to take a good look at my current life. So what did I do... spent 3 days in isolation scrubbing why whole house. My boyfriend says I clean like I workout... so you can only imagine the focus between me and clearing my life one room at a time was pretty intense. Every closet, every box, every bag, every dead fly, and I'm praying every f*cking spider web (I know this is an impossible task but dare to dream!). This led to me getting rid of half my belongings. Goodbye Diesel (my inflatable dinosaur I bought on clearance at Walmart for $15 and has a broken leg which I attempted to cast with white duck tape, a bed sheet and a wooden pole.) Goodbye shrine of Dana Linn Bailey all over my room, for a long time I idolized another human instead of becoming the authentic individual I was placed on earth to be. This lead to me chasing after a look. Addiction to comparison. Envy.
Head down, sleeves rolled up... Goal: (of course, very goal oriented (I once scrapbooked for 3 days straight) Cleaning your house will clean your head which will clean your soul! Something inside me thought I would find myself after clearing out the junk. And I did. Like a slap across my face.
Step #2: Detachment from things.
Recently my parents moved all their belongings from the top floor of their house to downstairs in order to make room for a family of missionaries. They had to downsize and declutter years of accumulated 'stuff' from 7 people (my 2 brothers, 2 sisters, me, my mom and my dad). So amongst the letting go of things they delivered a couple of boxes a few weeks before my show. I put the boxes in the closet with the intent of going through them once I had time (once I made time). Back from Nationals basically a week off from work... lets unpack the baggage I've been carrying around on my traps (the stress muscle... I know pretty clever).
Where was I, Oh yes... 6 hrs into day 2 of 3 'The cleaning project'. I was in the middle of replacing empty Mutant protein tubs that cluttered my book shelf to filling it with... BOOKS. BOOM. Didn't see that one coming. And in one of the boxes I received from my parents house I grabbed out this bright orange journal I had kept from bible camp when I was 14 years old. My journal opened directly to this page:
I've found you so stop hiding
Dance for me & praise my name never stop
Dance like I'm the only one watching
I love you, you're my favourite
Speak over words, for others need guidance
Words of confirmation
Make your dreams impossible because your God is a God of the impossible
Pride comes before we fall
Don't be repetitious
BE HUMBLE! (funny this one I wrote in all capitals)
Listen to what I give you
Don't be jealous I made you special.
The more I read the more my body collapsed to the floor.
Tears filled up my eyes.
I believe in God.
Step #3: Hire a Therapist