My Year to Clarity: Love? WTF is that...
I know the answer is love.
I've become obsessed with this word. Now that I finally have it being given to me, I never want to lose it. I know when it started (this love thing I'm feeling). It began with me going out with this drop dead gorgeous Tarzan looking human and he began to talk about polyamory relationships and how a lot of women can't do it. Before I could even think I belted out
"Oh no I like to feel special!"
As I stood up and walked off his boat it hit me I've never really stood up for myself. As a grown up I realize this is some how linked with having my first years as a child dependent on my dad for love. Which is something we all long for, isn't it? Connection. Being connected to someone so immensely they feel what you feel, listen to you when you talk really listen, is honest with you even when it knocks down your ego
"The ego trusts the we are separate and go through life alone. The soul trust that we are connected and thus never really alone. The universe trusts that the ego will get lonely and listen to the soul."
-Rebecca Cambell 'Light is the New Black'
"Our ego's laws are based on the belief that our happiness depends on how much money we have in the bank how many possessions we own. The fear that is the nucleus of our egos gives us an insatiable desire and hunger to consume more, more and an unending consumption of more."
-Gerald G. Jampolsky 'Love is Letting Go Of Fear'
because the thought of you not being true to who you are hurts them. That's what I've found with Sean. Sean is my boyfriend. He's the one! I've had a lot, I mean a lot of boyfriends... it's not like it's hard. Or maybe it was because I never made it hard. At the peak of my bodybuilding 190 lbs I became a hermit. I was so lost with in my addiction to steroids that I needed to be isolated. I wanted to be at a point where I could be so strong, mindless, and powerful that I wouldn't be able to get hurt. CONTROL! This lead to my 'nunhood' I pretty much went a year without sex. I knew my sexual partners kept making an impact on how I ran my life and I wanted to stop chasing these mens ideals. I did one thing after another that lead me to compromising my authentic self. During the peak of my steroid/selfish life I forgot I was beautiful. I've known I was pretty but I really am beautiful as a whole person. I think we all become the most stunning versions of ourself when we begin to treat the child inside with love and kindness. When I begun to break of all the lies, misconceptions of who Jill really was I found a really scared little girl. Just hoping to receive love from anyone that would give it to her. I've bottled up my emotions since I was 2 years old.
"In the more severe neurotic development that the roles of mother and father become confused both with regard to persons outside and with regard to these roles within the person. Further examination may show that certain types of neurosis, like obsessional neurosis, develop more on the basis of a one sided father attachment, while others, like hysteria (an emotional state, caused by grief or fear etc., accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, weeping, etc.), alcoholism, inability to assert oneself and to cope with life realistically (I'm going to be a pro bodybuilder, get sponsored, become rich and famous... rings a few bells.), and depressions, results from mother-centeredness."
-Erich Fromm 'The Art of Loving'
If you don't figure out who you are, you will never live a full life of love. God is Love we are children of God. God is everything. When I was a younger I was grown up with the understanding that God is male. I yearned for a mother. Once upon a time you and your mother where once 1 person, isn't that special. You both are attached by the outcome of love. A baby and a mother are connect to give birth is a selfless task. You must give your body in order to create an infant, you must clear your soul to give and give and give, I'm sure it's harder then it looks. What I had learnt from the past is love means so much and then it's gone. This I must forgive and move on from but first I need to feel it. Feel every inch of that, cry every last drop and mourn her.
"What is your relationship like with your birth mother?"
I tried to dyne that I was like her, I think that's why I never quit at things until I'm not the best... then I quit. I know see how being brought up to compete with my brother played its hand, I always competed with boys happened with sports, wrestling turned into some serious fist fights, bodybuilding, competing just didn't feel good unless I was the best. I don't want to compete to be the best anymore it's exhausting and impossible. There will always be someone better, that line would trigger me to think 'I can do better.' Just so your aware... thats the ego! Bubble busted. You can cheer each other on, be honest out of love. In Hinduism the practice Satsang which means "to associate with true people." is an essential practice of love between 2 people.
'Spiritually we all need things such as forgiveness, love, and compassion, but spiritual need: support on our path. You cannot expect another person to immediately understand understand your experiences as you enter into a new and often confusing stages of spirituality, but if sharing is to take place, you must build a basis for satsang. This basis must include equality, sensitivity and communication."
-Deepak Chopra 'The Path to Love'
Now that I've finally found love I don't want to lose it and now that I've uncovered how I was programmed to show love or get love I want to change it. Rewrite my understanding of love, begin practicing love from the roots. The more I learn about giving myself with the honest intentions of just helping with nothing in return the more I see that I'm rewarded by God (which is love). Give full hearted genuine love, receive full hearted genuine love. Give full hearted genuine love to yourself and it opens the door to accepting love. No expectations, no selfishness just the purest form of love. That person you showed love to might not give it back but it will come back to you, true love always does. It is more powerful than a magnet, the more you become it the more you attract it. I invite you to start looking at the beginning, how did you learn to love? Would you like to change it?
'To forgive is to make the decision to be happy , to let go of judgements, to stop hurting other and ourselves, and to stop recycling fear and anger. Forgiveness is the bridge to compassion, to inner peace, and to a peaceful world'
-Gerald G. Jampolsky
You are your own teacher if your willing to learn about yourself. I've learnt that love is the answer. God is love and I am a child of God so there for I am love, I must learn more about the birth place of me.
Above: This picture makes me laugh. Typical... I'm #1! My birth mom, and my little brother.
Letter to my birth Mom:
It feels funny saying that because you never gave me the time to know you or get to know me. I do have compassion towards the fact that it must have been exhausting mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to have 2 children, I'm sorry that you felt trapped without a way out that must have been though. I do remember feeling your love which I only now understand that's why I'm so upset that you took it all away. I could have really used the love. I did receive a great teacher it took sometime for us to warm up to each other but she taught me how to show love, compassion, how to be neutering and open. Her name is Pauline I proudly call her mom. If I didn't have her in my life I wouldn't be able to articulate my feelings at all. I don't say this to be meticulous or hurtful I just want you to know 'love/God' sent me the best mom it (I don't like to put a gender on God for God is all) could find for me. She is strong, stunning, confident, creative, hilarious and loving. I look like you and her. I see that you've both been key elements of how I am me and I am thankful. I forgive you for leaving. If you didn't this wouldn't have been my story. Since I began reading my own book I've learn I'm pretty interesting because I've had so many people teach me how they where loved. Now that I've discovered the truth I can share it with them.
I do love you. I know it was impossible for me to show it in the way you needed at the time.
Love always, your little girl:
Jill Louise Foley
Picture above: My first time wearing lipstick with my God/love given Mom and of course my little brother.
Picture Below: The happiest I've ever been. Embracing love, embracing my authentic self with my best friend. Psst... that's Sean!