The little orange book. (Update incase you haven't read my other blogs this little orange book is what I wrote in when I was 15 years old at bible camp. Just after Nationals I decided I needed to clear out my house, mind, life of clutter in order to find clarity I threw out my inflatable dinosaur Diesel, I cleared my walls of Dana Lynn Bailey (my idol for so long), I gave away half my clothes and I went through every box. I had 3 boxes I just recently received from my parents. They moved all their belongings to the downstairs of their house in order to make room for a family of missionaries to move in. You can only imagine the amount of 'stuff' that had been accumulated over the years from 7 people (my mom, dad, 2 brothers, 2 sisters and myself). So my mom sorted through a lot leading to her dropping off these 3 boxes just before Nationals. I put them in my closet knowing I would go through them after my prep. Just to make things more interesting, I had thrown this journal away but my mom having the craziest intuition I know decided I should keep it.)
I'm learning more about the truth from my 15 year old self then my 29 year old self.
Sometimes you have to look back in order to move forward.
The more I think about competing the more upset I get. I can't explain my emotions anymore, they just happen. The more I feel the more I analyze, the more I analyze the more I understand (or drive myself bonkers... and Sean bonkers because all he wants to do is help and fix it... it's hit or miss). I paid thousands of dollars and put in years of training to stand half naked on a stage and willingly have my body judged against another woman (my sisters). Then depending on the outcome I would beat up my body or get mad at the outcome. This cycle lead me to using oral steroids, then that wasn't enough it lead me to using injectable steroids. I remember how upsetting it was for me to make that decision. It felt like I was going against all my inner voices and I was. That was the day I decided my authentic self wasn't enough I needed to enhance it. I needed to be bigger, faster and stronger. Jill Louise Foley didn't have enough value, she needed to be better. I will never have the 'perfect body' but I will always have Jill Louise Foley's body. I will be in this body as long as I live. I need to take care of it. Not worship it, beat it up, poison it. I need to take care of it for it holds my soul, it holds the hopes and dreams of my inner child.
The most potent muse is our own inner child.
I've had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. In elementary school I recall flushing my lunches down the toilet. I wanted to be thin, I'm not sure why. I'm guessing it was the only thing I felt I had control over. Anorexia lead to bulimia which lead to excessive exercising, etc. I do recall this moment in high school, I don't remember what happened before or after but I recall this moment a 15 second video clip that replays in my mind constantly. I was walking to the front of my high school where the buses came to pick us up. I turned the corner at the edge of the upper soccer field to see my sister already at the bus stop. This line I've held as my truth (I'm sure it came out of a place of hurt and has been completely forgotten) "Dylan said you have an ugly face but he'd do you because of your body." Boom in my head from that day on I believed my number one value was my body and that boys opinions give me acceptance, value and love.
Do you have a lie in your head you've held as truth because someone closest to you, who you believe loved you said?
Let it go! LET IT GO NOW! It has no power.
Eating disorders, beating up my body, cutting, self hate and sabotage, compromising my morals to receive acceptance from the opposite sex. This cycle of self hate has stayed with me my whole life. I'm sure steaming back to other lie I told myself 'You're birth mother didn't love you enough to stay around' I was 2 years old when my mom took her own life. I've never cared to learn about her or the build up that lead her to doing what she did. I just put that weight on my shoulders and have been beating my little girl up for as long as I can remember. (WOW! That is the first time I came to the realization. Jill let it go!)
Eating disorders: Anorexia, bulimia, yoyo dieting, overeating and gluttony. I always understood Gluttony to be overeating, maybe thats what I was taught.
The one whose concern is with that which enters the belly will discover that his value is found in that which goes out of it -Imam Al Ghazali
Food obsession. Competing is food obsession. What should I eat, what should I not eat, what do I want, what do I need, what will this do to my body.
Did you know that competing has every deadly sin attached to it. What one thing has that?!?
1. Envy: wanting what others have, idolizing others physiques, genetics, gifts, glory. The comparison.
2. Gluttony: Food obsession.
3. Lust: is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body. You are only attractive when you're lean, have the most likes, sharing your beautiful body on social media, or on stage. Half naked searching for approval.
4. Anger: Short tempers, unpleased with the outcome of your placing, hating on others for out performing. In disagreement with how you are judged. Self hate, you could have done better.
5. Greed: It's never enough. Bigger, Faster, Stronger
6. Sloth: After your workout, eating, going to your job just to afford your lifestyle you have no energy to give.
7. Pride: Posting endless picture of your work. Look what I built. Seeing yourself as God.
It was Pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels. - St. Augustine
This is what my 15 year old self wrote in my little orange book at Bible camp:
Don't believe that no one loves you because you are gone from me, for I AM LOVE and I am always with you. Don't draw bitter towards other because you'll never see the good I've planted into them. Satan is working (at them) in them and blocking them from seeing and really recognizing what the truth is. Hold on to what you really want and need. NEED: see it really the way Christ wants us to be, for the spark of life that has been put inside of us to grow and make us shine through to show the true love and beauty Christ has. Don't be afraid, your beautiful and Gods using you for a gift to another, you are an honour to others. You're special not only to me but to others as well. Let others bless you as you bless others and realize that you are and always have been a blessing, an honour to be with (I know because I made you to be a light and a worker to make the trailer life towards me more visible to those who are blinded and in the dark of the enemy.) But shine as bright as you can so that others won't have to eat in the dark but can see what they need to do and have it made easier for others. But make sure that you don't take the guilt or the distractions (or temptations) that are from other peoples paths or the gift that I have given others to help me. Don't let your burden be what I am working on. I am God. Don't be God because I have made you you. BE HUMBLE, don't do things to be seen, do things to make others be seen.